Thursday, August 29, 2013

The League: Hello, My Name Is....

I guess it's a good thing that I've "signed up" for a tour of duty with The League of Extraordinary Bloggers, because it gives me a challenge every week , a topic to tackle where I might usually slack off with the updates. It's not like I can discover Fruity Yummy Mummy cereal every week, right?

Of course, even that depends on whether or not I choose to skip a week. Like I did last time or how badly I really want to with this week's topic. Sometimes I just don't have anything worth saying, which is especially true this time around...

Hello, my name is… Tell us a little about yourself — even if we all know who you are, there are plenty of new folks wondering if you’re in fact a dog.

I almost wish that I were a dog, because I feel like then I would have something worth talking about. Although, even in canine-form, I doubt I'd be living a very interesting life. No solving mysteries or rescuing Timmies from wells or dog-fights with the Red Baron on Christmas Eve for this pup.

Eh, I've always been more of a cat-person anyway.

See, there you go. We're off to a fantastic start!

Fact Number One: Likes cats.

Fact Number Two: Is not a real vampire, but does dislike sunlight. Possibly part-Mogwai.

Fact Number Four: The Count can't count, but can make obscure Camper Van Beethoven references.

Fact Number Five: Gives awful advice.  Relationship to Wilson W. Wilson, Jr. unknown, but unlikely.

Fact Number Six: Occasionally fits into Boys' XXL tees, despite being way too old to be wearing them.

Fact Number Seven: Is not Zooey Deschanel. Cannot pull off those bangs. Sorry, New Girl, I tried.

Fact Number Eight: Suffers from Frankenstein's Monster forehead.

8.1: "I do know that for the sympathy of one living being, I would make peace with all. I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other."

Fact Number Nine: Points an awful lot. Not sure why.

Fact Number Ten: Occasionally devours enemies and transforms them into eggs.

Fact Number Eleven: Rumored to be appearing in latest Super Smash Bros. game. No, wait, that's Mega Man. I'm nowhere near as cool as Mega Man, but may be a little taller.

Fact Number Twelve: One time I met Quentin Tarantino while working at a video-store and DID NOT RECOGNIZE HIM. Probably the most embarrassing moment in my life and that's including the time I burst into tears in front of the entire class in third grade because I couldn't draw the Abominable Snowman and my team lost a round of Win, Lose or Draw and it was all my fault.

Fact Number Thirteen: Traumatized by the death of Ramona's cat, Picky-Picky, in the pages of Ramona Forever, which was read aloud to my class in, uh, third grade. I guess 1990 was an emotional year for me?

Hello, my name is Brian and this was really dreadful, huh?

Meanwhile, with the rest of The League--

Oh Goodwill, you Devil...

Hey, just who is running The Monster Cafe..? Go find out!

Season's greetings and welcome, Cliff! The Holidaze joins up with the League and it is awesome.

Everything green is gold in our introduction to Geek Show Ink.

And all the rest, here at Cool & Collected


  1. Hello Brian nice to met you sir.

  2. That was f**king amazing! Hilarious! You are really a very talented comedic writer/blogger.

    And try this on for size: My freshman year in highschool we were tasked with writing a poem from the perspective of an inanimate object and the class had to guess what the object was based on the story it told. I chose to write a poem from the perspective of my dog's collar. My dog had passed away 2 years before but apparently I was still pretty broken up about it because as I am presenting my poem VERBALLY to the class I start to tear up and sob uncontrollably. I get about all the way through the poem... but at the cost of any chance I ever had at being any kind of "cool" on highschool. As I sat down shaking and snorting gallons of snot back, my English teacher touches me on the shoulder and asks "What is it?" and I shake my head and tell her I'm fine. Then she says "No... what IS it? What was your poem about?" And I just sat there gaping at her in confusion. Someone else in the class said flatly: "It was his dog's collar" and the English teacher just sort of looked at me confused. She then mentioned to the class just how powerful poetry can be in stirring up emotions. I don't remember because I was so busy watching my social life curl up to be buried with my dog. I'll never forget the first line of that poem: "I hug the dog..."

    1. Oh my goodness, I can't take this. It sounds like something that would have happened to me, but I always found a way to avoid speaking in front of class. Nothing was more terrifying.

    2. Thanks, Brian. For bringing this story out of the Geek... that was like a whole blog post worthy.
      Re-enacted with toys, preferably a Pound Puppy (Miss M can't you hook this up?)
      This post was like the gift that kept on giving!

    3. I don't really know how to put it into words, but really, thank you for sharing that with me [us]. It means a lot and it's nice to get to know you better on a more personal level. Bonding!

      Mission accomplished for this week's League topic, huh?

  3. That's why I signed on with the League too, saves me from having to come up with something interesting every week that doesn't involve me having to photograph something I recently acquired!

    1. It's a nice added bonus to taking part in The League, for sure. I've mentioned it several times before, but my main reason for joining up was how much I admired the sense of community and camaraderie between everyone. Something to aspire to both here and in the "real world".

  4. Brian you are so awesome. I loved reading this. I think you have such a fantastic sense of humor and your love for VHS tapes knows no bounds. (As I type this, I need to also email you, I may have some VHS tapes for you.) I think I was saying this to Laura on her blog, but I wish we all lived closer to each other. Everyone just seems so nice and cool. And if you have a Frankenstein forehead, I don't even want to know what I have. Like an alien forehead or something. I've had bangs installed on me in some form or another for, like, ever.

    I hope all is well, I look forward to what you write next. Hey, if not for you, I wouldn't even know about Fruit Brute and Yummy Mummy. You saved my Halloween! : )

    1. It would be really great if everyone lived a little closer! In the short time since starting this blog and joining up with The League, I've appreciated how incredible and supportive everyone has been.

      Especially you, Miss M. Thank you for always having such kind words to share and just, really, I admire how positive you are and how much fun you seem to have with everything you do. It really is infectious in the best way possible.

  5. You absolutely made me laugh out loud. And I saw that box full of stuff you sent The Geek, so I know that there is a buttload of crazy interesting content inside your head!... so blog it out for us to see ;) Anyone who mails packages like that is good people.

    1. I'm glad you enjoyed the post and thanks so much for responding!

      I'm doubly glad that "The Geek" mentioned your blog a short while back, because I've enjoyed going back and scouring the archives. A fantastic sense of aesthetics, great taste in everything old and wonderful and silly, and a lovely family. So much to envy!

  6. I enjoyed that, a lot! Fact you missed: You have some pretty amazing t-shirts, brother!! Thanks for the shout-out! Appreciate it!

    1. Anytime, man. I've been loving your blog and I'm glad you decided to join up with The League. Plus, I can't wait to see all the fantastic Halloween posts!

      And yeah, my shirts speak for themselves. They're cooler than I am and I'm okay with that.