The League: Top Ten Video

We're back with a vengeance, a triumphant return to The League of Extraordinary Bloggers, after months of radio silence. It must be a pretty interesting topic this week to pull me out of my contributing retirement, right? Well, we've been asked to tackle our Top 10... whatever we want, actually.

Normally, I'm not a fan of ranking things. Hardly a sucker for compiling Top Five Rock Albums or a grocery list of my favorite C-list celebrities. The problem is that I have a difficult time coming up with a definitive Top However Many, what with my constant shifts in mood or tastes. Something could be in my Top Three one day, and quickly be replaced by something else the next. There's just too much stuff that I enjoy to really, truly nail down a definite commitment.

So, uh, here's my Top 10 Videos That I Currently Own [in no particular order], I guess.

1. Godzilla vs. Megalon (1973).

  -- This is the oldest tape in my collection, the very first VHS that I could really call my own. I remember my grandmother actually giving in to my youthful pleading at a local outlet, and picking this up for me. I love the generic box-art, which perfectly embodies the cheapness of this release from Viking Entertainment, which is a company I know very little about. Apparently, aside from low-budget, bootleg monster movies, they also released a lot of Veggie Tales tapes? Eh.

2. Fist of the North Star (1986).

  -- I went through a brief anime phase during the early '90s, back when The Sci-Fi Channel used to air "Saturday Anime", showing films like Akira (1988), Dominion Tank Police (1988) and Demon City Shinjuku (1988). All the stuff that was sure to warp my young mind. These days, well, I'm not as big a fan. Every now and then, though, I like to pay tribute to those early days of bizarre, hyper-violent animated features. This is my absolute favorite of the half-dozen titles I own, mostly because of the adorable "Not For Kids" sticker plastered on the front.

3. Troll 2 (1990).

  --  Is it embarrassing to admit that this film actually terrified me when I was a kid? Probably, but that's okay. It hasn't prevented me from embracing it as the true "cult-classic" that it's become over the last several years. This particular copy once belonged to my friend's aunt, who briefly owned and operated an entire store based around Norfin Troll dolls during the resurgence boom of the '90s.

4. Freaked (1993).

  -- They really don't make films like this anymore. Actually, I'm not sure that there's ever been another film quite like Alex Winter's grotesque and absurd comedy, Freaked. An all-star cast of Z-grade celebrities, featuring the likes of Mr. T and Bobcat Goldthwait, some of most hilarious and inventive practical effects of the era, and a wonderfully dated '90s soundtrack. A staple of my early teens, and a flick I could still watch a million times over. I hadn't seen it in years before stumbling upon this copy at my local thrift shop.

5. Gremlins 2: The New Batch (1990).

  -- One of, if not, my all-time favorite movie. I had originally taped this off HBO back when it premiered, and have since purchased it on DVD and blu-ray, but I absolutely adore this VHS-copy. This was found at the same shop as Freaked, a fantastic find, and I was doubly excited to discover that this was still sealed. I have no intention of ever opening it.

6. The Punisher (1989).

  -- I've only ever seen bits and pieces of this early comic-adaptation featuring Dolph Lundgren. Something I have regretted for years, hoping to finally settle in and watch it in full. It only seems appropriate to view the film as God intended; on glorious, low-fi magnetic tape. It's been sitting in my "to-watch" pile for way too long now. Maybe it'd be best if I stopped with this stupid list and watched the original cinematic Frank Castle kick some ass instead.

7. Batman (1989).

  --  I feel like I've written about the Bat-mania of '89 and beyond far too often. This movie was everything to me for those couple years, an obsession that's rarely been matched in the two-decades plus since. And because of my nostalgic love for Burton's classic tale of clown and bat at odds, well, I've probably owned nearly a half dozen copies of this on VHS. I went through a bad period of picking up every single one I came across, which was both costly and space-consuming. This guy here is the Highlander of my collection; there could be only one. Or something.

8. Ninja III: The Domination (1984).

  -- An aerobics instructor possessed by the vengeful spirit of a ninja-master. V8 seduction scenes. Haunted arcade games. Golf course massacres. This ridiculous film has all that and so much more. Sure, I already owned Shout Factory's blu-ray release when the opportunity to pick up this "big-box" VHS came along. But I was lucky enough to grab this from Dan Kinem of VHShitfest, one of the brilliant minds behind the VHS-documentary, Adjust Your Tracking. There was no way that I could resist.

9. Suburban Commando (1991).

  --  Goddamn, I used to rent this one all the time as a pre-teen. Combining my love for professional wrestling with an adoration for everything Christopher Lloyd, there was nothing better at the time. Again, embarrassing confession time, but this has been a tape that I've been dying to get my hands on for quite some time now. I found it buried in a bin full of loose and dirty Hasbro WWF action figures this past weekend. The seller was more than happy to give it to me for free with my large purchase of wrestling toys [which you might see a glimpse of sometime in the future].

10. TMNT: The Making of The Coming Out of Their Shells Tour (1990).

  -- Remember when the Ninja Turtles started their own KISS-esque, arena-rock band? If you're like me, you probably wish you didn't. This beat-up and unloved tape found its way into my grubby paws earlier today, thanks to an extremely generous, and totally VHS-filled, package from Brian of Awake Oh Sleeper. Of the several tapes he's sent me, this is the one that I adore most. My own childhood copy is long-gone, so I'm ecstatic to add a "new" one to my collection. I'm not sure I'll attempt a re-watch anytime soon, but it warms my heart to know that if the urge ever strikes me to, I can.

Bossanova.

Meanwhile, you can check out the rest of The League's Top Tens...

Speaking of Brian and Awake Oh Sleeper, you can check out his own list of cinematic creatures, ghouls and ghosts here.

Over at Goodwill Hunting 4 Geeks, Derek shares his own Top Ten, featuring an absolutely adorable version of Kang the Conqueror and a space-faring cat.

Mason, from D.I Treasures, tells us all about his favorite cereals to munch on while watching reruns of ReBoot and the Wild West C.O.W-Boys of Moo Mesa.

And for all the rest, be sure to check out Cool & Collected.

Mr. Clawful Goes to Best Buy

You may remember my affinity for the worst of the worst, bottom-of-the-barrel baddies. Well, sometimes it gets me into trouble.

Over the last several months, because of my admiration for scum and villainy, I've found a handful of henchmen, goons and ne'er-do-wells settling in for extended visits. Usually that just means fighting over the last pack of Cinnamon Brown Sugar Pop Tarts with Serpentor, but every now and then someone steps over the line. I'll catch some rogue snooping through my things, trying to take something that's mine.

Most recently, in fact, I caught a certain criminal crustacean rifling in my wallet. And look at what he managed to slip away with before I could stop him.

I'd managed to hold onto that Best Buy gift-card since Christmas, waiting to find just the right thing to purchase from their fine website. Clawful couldn't have cared less that I had been eying that Criteron release of Repo Man (1984) for months now. No, he just rushed right off to the nearest brick-and-mortar store and spent all twenty-five dollars on the type of trash that even I would have avoided.

Worst of all, he's forcing me to share all his ridiculous purchases with each and every one of you.

I am so very sorry.

Yes, I know exactly what you're thinking. I felt the exact same way, and I had the exact same thought; why would Clawful purchase candy from the last-remaining electronics retailer in the known multiverse?

Because Skeletor was right all these years. This lobster is the most bumbling of buffoons!

Credit where it's due, though. If he was gonna waste a couple bucks on Pez, he certainly picked the best one they had. Ignoring those little yellow bastards from the Despicable Me films and a horrid-looking Thor, Clawful wrapped his oversized pincher around Yoshi and refused to let go.

I had to question his logic in picking up a pack of Star Wars Galaxy Series 7 trading cards. At a whopping three-dollars for a measly seven cards, I just didn't understand the appeal. His only response was mostly incoherent babbling about how Darth Maul reminded him of his mother.

The crab's got issues.

Eventually, I was able to tear him away from the impulse items. It took a little nudging, but we finally headed over to Best Buy's mediocre selection of DVDs to pick out a few films to enjoy. It was more of a challenge finding movies that we both agreed on, however. He insisted on picking up a copy of Rodney Dangerfield's classic comedy, Back to School (1986), until I reminded him that we already have it on VHS.

Which lead to a lengthy debate on whether or not VHS is an obsolete media; the details of which I will thankfully spare you.

A compromise had to be made before he would settle on the first of our two titles.

I haven't seen Galaxy Quest (1999) since it was first released on video. Back during my days as a lowly clerk at my local mom n' pop rental store, Video Showplace. It's a film I've been wanting to revisit for quite some time now, especially since it seems to have developed a solid cult-following these last several years.

Clawful agreed to adding it to his basket, but only if he could have some friends over to watch it. I wasn't in a position to deny his request, especially when he mentioned my favorite Silverhawks' rogue, Buzz-Saw, would be attending.

I was less enthusiastic upon discovering that the X-Men's infamous foe, Apocalypse, would also be there. The guy's developed a total diva attitude since it was announced he was gonna be in the next installment of First Class.

For whatever reason, Clawful is a huge fan of James Bond, and we found ourselves once more at odds. I've never particularly cared for the exploits of 007, regardless of who is portraying him, and attempted to veto any selection featuring the famed secret-agent. And yet.

And yet somehow this monstrosity, a psychedelic "spoof" featuring Peter Sellers as Sir James Bond 007, managed to find its way home along with us. The only plus to this purchase was that it also caused dissension within the villainous ranks of Clawful's best buds.

Clawful's snack selection also managed to brew up some turmoil.

Apocalypse spotted those Flipz covered in Mutant Milk Chocolate and immediately claimed them as his own. Spouting off some nonsense about "survival of the fittest", he proclaimed that no filthy flatscans would touch his most prized of pretzels without incurring the wrath of En Sabah Nur.

Whoever the fuck that is.

Thankfully there was something for us mere mortals, though you might mistake it at first glimpse for something akin to ambrosia. I know nothing about Bigs brand sunflower-seeds, but I sure as fuck know a thing or two about Vlasic pickles. Combining my eighth or ninth favorite snack with Dill Pickles is a thing of absolute bliss and majesty.

Clawful did okay with this one.

And then, of course, his true colors shine through. Reminding us all that he is the most selfish shellfish this side of Eternia, the bastard refused to share any of his Layer Dip Tortilla Combos. Friend or foe, it didn't appear to matter as this third-rate goon managed to down the entire bag before anyone could protest.

I'm not entirely sure how he maintains the physique of Hercules or He-Man with his eating habits. I smell something most foul, and it isn't his buddy Stinkor hanging out in Snake Mountain. My best guess is some of Evil-Lyn's black magic is keeping him in tip-top shape. That stuff's worse than steroids, man.

Wait, is that Grand Moff Tarkin..?

I take back every awful thing I've ever said about that lobster-man. He is obviously doing everything right, and they should change his name to Clawesome.

Here's to you, Clawesome!

They Don't Die, They Multiply

It's odd that this blog would be up and running for this long and I've yet to really talk about Gremlins (1984). A film that terrified me when I first saw it as a child, but would eventually become one of my all-time favorites. Well, okay, second to Gremlins II: The New Batch (1990), which is absolutely the only movie I could watch every single day and never-ever-ever grow tired of.

With all that love for everything mogwai and Mrs. Deagle and Dick Miller, imagine my surprise when I noticed there wasn't a single post in my archives that was tagged "gremlins".  That, my dearest friends, is about to change like someone fed me after midnight and I entered a pupal stage.

Shit is about to hatch, son.

Looks like the metamorphosis hit rewind, because that's not a gremlin at all..!

It's Gizmo, adorable mogwai hero and admirer of Rambo and MTV. I loathe throwing around the term "vintage" for toys from my childhood, but most would I guess, like this seller on Etsy who I recently bought Gizzie from. At a measly six bucks, I really couldn't pass up on the deal and was pleasantly surprised to find a lovely hand-written note included. Even if I hadn't seen the two Gremlins films time and time again, this fantastic Mogwai Care guide walked me through the steps of maintaining my mogwai and keeping him in good health.

With only three rules to follow, you'd think I would have an easy time taking care of Gizmo. The same could have been said for William Peltzer, but we all know how that turned out, don't we? Looks like I followed in the footsteps of poor Billy, because I didn't pay well enough attention to Rule Number Two.

Two mogwai..!?

This is better than I could have possibly dreamed. Two for the price of one! Okay, not really. My second mogwai came courtesy of eBay and cost a little bit more than his dirtier duplicate. This is my own personal curse, the rule I shouldn't but always seem to break. My poor impulse control at its best and brightest. Too bright for any gremlin to bare.

So, you think I'd be happy with just one of these fantastic, seven-inch Gizmo toys from the '80s. You think I'd be happy with two.

And you'd be wrong.

I don't care if you do look like you want a hug, Third Gizmo. I really, honestly, think that I'm starting to lose it a little and it's all you fault.

You see, Gizmo Number Three has been hanging out with me for a few years now; picked up for a single five-dollar bill at a small collectors' show from a guy peddling his personal collection for pennies. I grabbed this guy, all yellowed and aged, along with some cheap DVDs and a couple magazines. The seller threw in some Gremlins II "candy heads", which I'll have to be sure to show off sometime in 2014, for free. It was a purchase that led me to later buying two more of these adorable bastards and could lead me to buying more in the near future.

I have three mogwais and zero regrets.