Mr. Clawful Goes to Best Buy

You may remember my affinity for the worst of the worst, bottom-of-the-barrel baddies. Well, sometimes it gets me into trouble.

Over the last several months, because of my admiration for scum and villainy, I've found a handful of henchmen, goons and ne'er-do-wells settling in for extended visits. Usually that just means fighting over the last pack of Cinnamon Brown Sugar Pop Tarts with Serpentor, but every now and then someone steps over the line. I'll catch some rogue snooping through my things, trying to take something that's mine.

Most recently, in fact, I caught a certain criminal crustacean rifling in my wallet. And look at what he managed to slip away with before I could stop him.

I'd managed to hold onto that Best Buy gift-card since Christmas, waiting to find just the right thing to purchase from their fine website. Clawful couldn't have cared less that I had been eying that Criteron release of Repo Man (1984) for months now. No, he just rushed right off to the nearest brick-and-mortar store and spent all twenty-five dollars on the type of trash that even I would have avoided.

Worst of all, he's forcing me to share all his ridiculous purchases with each and every one of you.

I am so very sorry.

Yes, I know exactly what you're thinking. I felt the exact same way, and I had the exact same thought; why would Clawful purchase candy from the last-remaining electronics retailer in the known multiverse?

Because Skeletor was right all these years. This lobster is the most bumbling of buffoons!

Credit where it's due, though. If he was gonna waste a couple bucks on Pez, he certainly picked the best one they had. Ignoring those little yellow bastards from the Despicable Me films and a horrid-looking Thor, Clawful wrapped his oversized pincher around Yoshi and refused to let go.

I had to question his logic in picking up a pack of Star Wars Galaxy Series 7 trading cards. At a whopping three-dollars for a measly seven cards, I just didn't understand the appeal. His only response was mostly incoherent babbling about how Darth Maul reminded him of his mother.

The crab's got issues.

Eventually, I was able to tear him away from the impulse items. It took a little nudging, but we finally headed over to Best Buy's mediocre selection of DVDs to pick out a few films to enjoy. It was more of a challenge finding movies that we both agreed on, however. He insisted on picking up a copy of Rodney Dangerfield's classic comedy, Back to School (1986), until I reminded him that we already have it on VHS.

Which lead to a lengthy debate on whether or not VHS is an obsolete media; the details of which I will thankfully spare you.

A compromise had to be made before he would settle on the first of our two titles.

I haven't seen Galaxy Quest (1999) since it was first released on video. Back during my days as a lowly clerk at my local mom n' pop rental store, Video Showplace. It's a film I've been wanting to revisit for quite some time now, especially since it seems to have developed a solid cult-following these last several years.

Clawful agreed to adding it to his basket, but only if he could have some friends over to watch it. I wasn't in a position to deny his request, especially when he mentioned my favorite Silverhawks' rogue, Buzz-Saw, would be attending.

I was less enthusiastic upon discovering that the X-Men's infamous foe, Apocalypse, would also be there. The guy's developed a total diva attitude since it was announced he was gonna be in the next installment of First Class.

For whatever reason, Clawful is a huge fan of James Bond, and we found ourselves once more at odds. I've never particularly cared for the exploits of 007, regardless of who is portraying him, and attempted to veto any selection featuring the famed secret-agent. And yet.

And yet somehow this monstrosity, a psychedelic "spoof" featuring Peter Sellers as Sir James Bond 007, managed to find its way home along with us. The only plus to this purchase was that it also caused dissension within the villainous ranks of Clawful's best buds.

Clawful's snack selection also managed to brew up some turmoil.

Apocalypse spotted those Flipz covered in Mutant Milk Chocolate and immediately claimed them as his own. Spouting off some nonsense about "survival of the fittest", he proclaimed that no filthy flatscans would touch his most prized of pretzels without incurring the wrath of En Sabah Nur.

Whoever the fuck that is.

Thankfully there was something for us mere mortals, though you might mistake it at first glimpse for something akin to ambrosia. I know nothing about Bigs brand sunflower-seeds, but I sure as fuck know a thing or two about Vlasic pickles. Combining my eighth or ninth favorite snack with Dill Pickles is a thing of absolute bliss and majesty.

Clawful did okay with this one.

And then, of course, his true colors shine through. Reminding us all that he is the most selfish shellfish this side of Eternia, the bastard refused to share any of his Layer Dip Tortilla Combos. Friend or foe, it didn't appear to matter as this third-rate goon managed to down the entire bag before anyone could protest.

I'm not entirely sure how he maintains the physique of Hercules or He-Man with his eating habits. I smell something most foul, and it isn't his buddy Stinkor hanging out in Snake Mountain. My best guess is some of Evil-Lyn's black magic is keeping him in tip-top shape. That stuff's worse than steroids, man.

Wait, is that Grand Moff Tarkin..?

I take back every awful thing I've ever said about that lobster-man. He is obviously doing everything right, and they should change his name to Clawesome.

Here's to you, Clawesome!

Bring On the Bad Guys

Volume II..!

Yeah, I'm back with a second installment of scum and villainy. A day off spent cleaning and organizing my trash meant uncovering a small bin of toys that could easily be overlooked tucked away in the closet. It's a travesty, because some of the bin's inhabitants were purchased for the sole purpose of taking a look at 'em here on the blog. Instead, they wound up tossed aside and nearly forgotten! A fate worse than death! But since we all know that no bad-guy stays down for too long, it's time to give them their moment to shine. To rise from the ashes like a Dark Phoenix.

You better watch out, planet full of broccoli people.

There's no need to rehash my love-letter to everything evil; just a simple reminder that the antagonists appeal to me a lot more than any good guys ever could. Or to put it in even simpler terms: Skeletor > He-Man.

Let's get down and dirty.

DOOM.

Doctor Doom, to be precise, is easily one of the most recognizable characters [villainous or otherwise] in Marvel Comics' stable of characters. Victor Von has spent the last several decades tangling with his accursed foes, The Fantastic Four, and ruling the fictional nation of Latveria with his iron-fists. He rarely deviates from these two tasks, only occasionally clashing with other heroic fools and sometimes attempting to steal the limitless powers of god-like beings. And somehow we never seem to get bored with the guy!

It could be how loquacious the fella is or how he isn't afraid to wear a skirt and a Santa Claus-esque belt or the time he killed his long-lost love and wore her skin as his magic-fueled armor. It could be because we like watching him fail; his plans getting foiled by everyone from "Benjy" Grimm to Squirrel Girl.

Confound that wretched rodent..!

Everybody's got a price and "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase's was nowhere near the amount you'd expect. Not even close to a million, I paid exactly three bucks for this classic, Hasbro-produced beauty. I know, he looks less like a villain and more like he should be hosting some daytime game-show that would air before The Price is Right.

Unfortunately, the guy just can't hold a candle when it comes to a skinny Drew Carey, even though they've both been inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame.

God, that's depressing.

Tally Hawk..!

I was a huge fan of the SilverHawks cartoon when it originally aired in the late '80s, but never owned any of the toys as a kid. Too distracted by G.I.Joe and Transformers and other odd toy-lines, the action figures were something I knew only from the handful that one of my friends owned. If he had owned Buzz-Saw, the brightly-colored robot you see above, I probably would have begged my mom to rush me off to Bradlees or Ames to pick one up for myself.

Nevermind the delicious shade of green, it's all the jagged gears/saws that cover seventeen percent of his body that really draws me in. He's simultaneously cartoonish and threatening, which is a two-hit combo that I've never been able to resist. It should be no surprise that he's one of the first "vintage" toys that I actively sought out when I decided to get back into collecting trash from my childhood.

The early '90s are best represented by bright colors and eco-terrorism. Here we have two action figures, from two different toy-lines, both involving heroes that want only to protect Mother Earth and all her beautiful creatures. On the right, hailing from the Toxic Crusaders series, released by Playmates in 1991, is the uber-ridiculous Bonehead. His gas-mask-wearing friend in the orange jumpsuit is Weed Killer, one of Arcane's Un-Men, best known as fighting foes of Swamp Thing.

These two could spell trouble for do-gooders and nature-lovers everywhere, but they seem more concerned with mugging for the camera. Bonehead obviously approves, giving a big thumbs-up to his baddie-buddy's awful impression of Bullwinkle J. Moose.

Joey Gladstone, he is not.

One of these things is not like the others...

I feel like, well, if you've visited this blog before, you should already be familiar with the adventures of Blackstar. An intergalactic hero stranded on a sword-and-sorcery world, he's a sorta' predecessor to Filmation's later, and far more successful, He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. Although, if I'm being completely honest, I don't remember the Blackstar animated series or the action figures at all. I wasn't born yet when the cartoon originally aired, and was only a couple years old when the toys finally started hitting shelves. It's possible I knew someone who owned some, but I don't recall ever seeing anything Blackstar until years later.

My actual introduction to everything John Blackstar was that mean, green, demonic figurine above, sitting on a bookshelf belonging to one of my housemates' back in '02. It was another couple years before I was able to place where it originated from, and several more before I ever owned one myself. Shortly after, I managed to score his blue-ish doppelganger. You see, these "demon" sidekicks came packaged with the villainous figures from the Blackstar toy-line, and were available in multiple colors.

I'll probably spend the rest of my days hunting down an orange one and a pink one.

The grosser looking guy in the middle is named Slobber; he's nearly a decade older, from a completely different line of toys, and actually would have fit in better with Weed Killer and Bonehead. The Trash Bag Bunch was released by Galoob in 1991, and featured a team of heroic warriors known as the Disposers, who attempted to thwart the eco-unfriendly schemes of the Trashors. Everything truly was about the environment and ozone layers and recycling back in 1991, even kids' toys that sorta' resembled Gremlins.

I've been meaning to write about the Trash Bag Bunch in detail; I went so far as to buy a huge lot of loose figures on eBay several months back. It seems, however, that others have already taken a good, long look at the series, and I'm probably better off sparing you my half-assed attempts and just pointing you in their direction. So, here's the insidious Bogleech doing a far better job than I ever could.

Evil comes in many sizes, and despite his miniscule stature, none are as horrific as Squish the Sogmaster. The closest thing to an arch-enemy that Cap'n Crunch has, this robotic nightmare wants nothing more than to spoil your delicious breakfast cereals. All shall tremble at the mere mention of his name! Cower before the might and menace of Squish the Sogmaster..!

Seriously, I love this guy. There are vague, but super-pleasant, memories from my childhood that involve a contest run by Quaker Oats, where the good Cap'n went missing and lovers of his cereal were tasked with finding him. The promotion involved a couple ads in Marvel comic books, featuring Spider-Man battling the Soggies, and also an 800-number you could call when you finally solved the mystery. A pre-recorded message from Cap'n Crunch himself thanked you for saving him from the evil clutches of Squish and his Soggie minions.

This is a thing that I actually took part in as a kid, and I remember huddling around the phone with my older sister and my dad, listening to the Cap'n personally congratulating us on a job well done. How many of you can claim you saved a beloved, nautical-themed cereal mascot?

I bet none.

You've all wasted your lives!

Where as, clearly, since I have time to take pictures of a Gobot and Magmar, leader of the Evil Rock Lords, standing triumphant over a fallen copy of Transformers: The Movie (1986), I am doing something right.

I need to stop lying to myself.

I need to. 

CUT. IT. OUT.

Bring On the Bad Guys

A post-holiday visit to my favorite thrift shop found me splurging on grab-bags full of toys, ancient boardgames, a couple books and some VHS. I'm not here to show off all the goods I scored, but to focus on a few of the action figures I picked up for mere dollars apiece. That's right, kiddies. We've got ourselves a good 'ole fashioned theme this time around.

We all love a hero. Capes and cowls and vigilantes hiding their identities behind masks to protect the ones they love. They wait patiently for the Bat-signal to light up those darkest nights, to announce to the scum and the wicked that the streets are theirs to keep safe. That crime will not go unpunished. Fists of righteous justice and striking fear into the hearts of the cowardly and the cruel.

For mom and apple pie and for The American Way..!

Sure, we all love a hero, but sometimes it's the Man in Black that we secretly want to cheer on. For every Batman and Spider-Man and Flash Gordon, there's an arch-enemy. Whether it's the Joker or Venom or Ming the Merciless, it doesn't matter. For each of these crime-fighting, world-saving heroes, there's a bad guy that catches our attention just as much as, if not more than, their heroic counterpart.

I've always been a bigger fan of the bad guys. Rogues and crooks and back-stabbing flunkies. I'll take Starscream to Bumblebee; Destro over Gung-Ho every time. Someone give me a comic series that focuses on The Injustice Gang or the Legion of Doom and I'll cut Justice League from my pull-list right this second. The same goes for any of the Flash's Rogues Gallery or Shredder and the Foot Clan. I really hope someday that The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man gets the chance to finally squash Ray Stantz.

Yeah, I love me some villains.

Like this guy here.

From the absolute tail-end of The Masters of the Universe toy-line comes Mosquitor. The "evil energy-draining insectoid" is a member of The Evil Horde and was released just prior to the cancellation of everything He-Man back in '87. I never owned him as a kid, probably because my parents were against the idea of their son owning an action figure whose main feature was a chest full of "real" churning blood.

They were okay with Stinkor, though, who was a villainous skunk and a toy that literally smelled bad.

Mosquitor wasn't alone in his grab-bag, nor was he the only bug-inspired baddie to dwell within. Joining him in his plastic prison, a sorta' Phantom Zone for decades-old toys, was Commander Waspax. I recognized him as a character from the short-lived Sectaurs line, but didn't know much else besides that. I wasn't even entirely sure if he was from the heroic faction or one of the series' villains. A little research revealed his identity and his allegiance, and I was glad to see that he was the exact kind of untrustworthy, cheating scoundrel that I so admired.

This guy right here, I'm not at all ashamed to admit, was a truly fantastic find for me. I've mentioned before that I was something of a Gobots fan growing up. It's not uncommon for the hardcore Transformers fan-base to dismiss them as glorified knock-offs, but I loved them just as much as the real deal when I was younger. The original Gobots toys were pretty inexpensive, so I had amassed a pretty good size collection. I definitely owned more of them than I did their more expensive, Hasbro-released "cousins". And really, there was room enough in my heart for both, so I was glad to collect from either toy-line.

Until now, though, I never owned Cy-Kill, leader of The Renegades and top-tier villain for the Gobots animated series. This is actually the Super- version of the figure, which is perfect, because its the one I've always wanted. He's bigger and badder than the regular release, naturally, and there's a good mix of die-cast and plastic pieces. That means his toy is heavy enough to cause some serious damage when I go and throw him at my sister's head.

Precisely the kind of thing my favorite villains would want me to do.