Total Trash Tuesday: The Grim Adventures of Avengers Grimm

Join Earth's Mightiest Heroes as they battle an ancient evil hellbent on plunging the world into darkness.

Actually, no, sorry, wrong film. This is actually the one where Little Red Riding Hood becomes Casper Van Dien's mindless pawn in his war against Snow White and Rapunzel.

Yeah, by now, we should all be familiar with The Asylum and their unique brand of low-budget film-making. Best known for throwback monster-disaster hybrids like Sharknado (2013) and Mega Piranha (2010), their other claim to fame is an ongoing series of "mockbusters"; films that attempt to cash-in on the popularity of bigger budget, Hollywood-produced movies. Stuff like Snakes on a Train (2006), Transmorphers: Fall of Man (2009), and Atlantic Rim (2013).

Avengers Grimm (2015) falls into the latter category, obviously.

Released two weeks before Marvel Studio's Avengers: Age of Ultron, the film features a team of heroines, not ripped from the pages of comic books, but instead Grimm's Fairy Tales. A quartet of princesses, led by Snow White (Lauren Parkinson), are confronted by the evil of Rumpelstiltskin (Casper Van Dien), and they must save two worlds from his devious plot. Also along for the adventure is the non-princess Little Red Riding Hood (Elizabeth Peterson), whose only agenda is getting revenge on the creature responsible for killing her entire village, The Wolf (played by former MMA fighter, Kimo Leopoldo).

The bulk of the plot revolves around The Magic Mirror, which is able to open portals to the real world, a world without magic, a world that Rumpelstiltskin wants to claim as his own. Due to Snow White's interference, both herself and Rumpel end up stranded on Earth, and the remaining princesses must travel across dimensions to find their friend and put an end to their wicked enemy once and for all. Red's there, too, much to the others' chagrin, constantly on the hunt for The Wolf and somehow getting mixed up with a random gang led by "Iron John" (Lou Ferrigno).

It wasn't bad enough that The Asylum was ripping off The Avengers' name, they also had to include the original live-action Hulk in the proceedings to take it one step further. Still, it's probably a good thing that Lou was all too familiar with ridiculous body-paint throughout his career, because about half-way through the film, well, Rumpel's magic literally transforms him into an "Iron Man". Complete with shoddy make-up that makes him look sorta' like Schwarzenegger's Mr. Freeze from Batman & Robin (1997).

 Oh, and the magically-adept princesses all have their own special abilities. Snow White can control cold and form ice-daggers, naturally, because her name is Snow. Cinderella (Milynn Sarley) is able to transform items into other items [no idea why], and Sleeping Beauty (Marah Fairclough) casts spells that instantly put people to sleep [duh].

Also, Rapunzel (Rileah Vanderbilt) has long hair that's, like, a weapon, I guess?

I don't know, but she uses it to fight Iron-Hulk a few times. It's, uh, it's all pretty stupid.

Look, no one is going to argue that there's anything artistically redeeming in any of Asylum's output, least of all this particular entry. I doubt that anyone willing to subject themselves to Avengers Grimm (2015) is looking to discover some new cinematic masterpiece, but instead the opportunity to shutdown their brains and enjoy watching some harmless fantasy fluff. If that's what you're looking for, sure, there's probably better places to start, but the film is entertaining enough and mostly harmless. And with a brisk run-time of only 87-minutes, it's worth checking out at least once.

The short and sweet is that it's competently made and far from the studio's worst offense, which is about the best you can ask for with this sort of thing.

The 13 Days of Friday the 13th: Day Thirteen

Happy Friday the 13th, all.

Despite a few bumps in the road, we've finally arrived at our final destination; back to Camp Crystal Lake where it all began. The place where a young boy drowned once upon a time, and the monster known as Jason Voorhees was born.

Actually, that's not entirely true.

The part about Jason and Crystal Lake is totally true, but it's the talk about arrivals and destinations that's pretty much false. See, my own journey through the Friday the 13th series might be over, but the real adventure is just getting started. I should be, at the time of this scheduled posting, somewhere about half-way between my home and Cherry Hill, New Jersey. What's waiting for me there is Monster Mania XXX, a weekend long celebration of everything macabre.

Sean Cunningham, the man most responsible for creating the series, will be there. Kane Hodder, the most famous actor to portray Jason, will be there, too. So will the franchise's very first "final girl", Adrienne King. Oh, and let's not forget Ari Lehman, who was the original, water-logged, kid-version of Jason. There may also be a Tommy Jarvis or two, but since Corey Feldman won't be there, well, who cares?

Nah, I'm just playing, John Shepherd. You did the best you could with Part V.

So, obviously, with me away and no films left to cover [except for the ones I watched and neglected to write about?], today's entry is a festive place-holder. I'll be back from Monster Mania on Sunday, and I'm hoping to have lots to share following a weekend of horrors, cosplayers and Judge Reinhold.

Stay tuned, kids, and I hope you have the merriest of Friday the 13ths..!

The 13 Days of Friday the 13th: Day Seven

You may have noticed the sudden drop in posts, the daily updates that stopped several days back. I'll admit, I wasn't expecting The 13 Days of Friday the 13th to be such a daunting task. Really, how tough is it to watch one movie a day and then write a little something about it? Probably not that difficult if I'd been mixing up the play-list a little, but when you're tackling a twelve-film franchise, one where the basic formula doesn't change much from entry to entry, it gets old fast. I could only take so much murder and mayhem, so many jump scares and final girls and, man, that theme can get repetitive and obnoxious really fast.

So, yes, I cheated a little bit and skipped a few days. Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988) was viewed on Saturday, but I left a draft unfinished into the next day, and then the next one, and here we are on Day 12 and I've got to try and wrap this series up.

The rest of my day today will involve watching the remainder of the Friday the 13th films. I'll be posting about them later, though it will all be encompassed in a single entry, and it'll probably just be some quick thoughts and impressions. The idea was to familiarize myself with the entire series before tomorrow, because, well, I guess you'll just have to wait and see why. I promise not to skip out and leave you high and dry.

Oh, and here's what I had for Part VII so far.

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Here we are, the seventh day, and we've reached the last of the series that's brand-new to me. Continuing on through the remainder will be retreading old territory, though it's been several years since I've watched the majority of them. Oddly enough, it's Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988) that I knew the least about going into. Except for the addition of Tina Shepard (Lar Park Lincoln), the girl with psychic abilities that put Carrie's to shame, I didn't know what else to expect.

Stunt-man turned actor, Kane Hodder, finally tackles the role of Jason Voorhees, picking up the mask and the machete for the first of his record four appearances. Where he's always been terrifying before, it's this particular entry that Jason becomes a much more intimidating physical presence. Hodder adds this weight to the character, his every step, and every swing of an axe or knife, feels heavy, powerful. Despite his decayed appearance, Jason has finally reached the pinnacle of his transformation through the series, becoming the unstoppable undead monster with superhuman strength.

No wonder the filmmakers had to give poor Tina her own special abilities in order to stand up to and to survive Jason's wrath.

The 13 Days of Friday the 13th: Day Six

Despite having never seen Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986) before today, the version of Jason Voorhees presented here is the one most familiar to me. Sure, he may have donned the trademark hockey mask a few films back, but it wasn't until his unnatural resurrection that he would become the Jason from my childhood. The undead killer with superhuman strength, impervious to pain and completely unstoppable. A shambling corpse, hellbent on murder and mayhem, who refuses to truly die.

The filmmakers, director Tom McLoughlin and the producers at Paramount, decided to ignore the events at the end of the previous installment. Tommy Jarvis is back, this time portrayed by Thom Mathews, but instead of picking up where he left off in A New Beginning (1985), taking up the mask and the mantle, instead he's determined to destroy the evil once and for all. Digging up Jason's grave in an attempt to burn the body, Tommy accidentally brings the killer back to life.

Hilarity ensues.

Actually, that's only partially untrue. I mean, really, talk about your drastic tonal shifts from film to film. Where Part V bordered on unpleasant, here the viewers are given an almost goofy, tongue-in-cheek slasher. It's still drenched in gore and death, but there's definitely more humor on display than any of the previous entries. There are even moments of breaking the fourth wall, like when the graveyard caretaker questions "why they had to go and dig up Jason" while looking directly at the audience.

It's all very meta.

One of my favorite elements is the inclusion of Sheriff Mike Garris (David Kagen) as one of the main characters. His daughter, Megan (Jennifer Cooke), fills the role of "final girl" for Part VI, but the sheriff himself is more than just another victim for Jason to slaughter. And while, no, he doesn't survive until the film's end, Sheriff Garris is the only adult in the franchise so far to truly take a stand against the relentless horror of Jason Voorhees.

The 13 Days of Friday the 13th: Day Five

Five films into the series and we've finally found one that I've seen before.

Flashback to September 13th, 2013. A younger Trash Man decides to properly celebrate the holiday by viewing Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985) on VHS. Don't question why he chose this particular entry, especially considering he already knew the "twist" that the killer [spoiler ahead, mates] wasn't Jason Voorhees at all, but instead someone else posing as him. Especially considering the fact he hadn't seen any of the four films that proceeded it. What a weird kid, that Trash Man, arbitrarily deciding to view this installment back then and really liking it, too.

Now, however, having seen it for a second time and less than twenty-four hours after watching Part IV (1984), I'm feeling a little less generous. It doesn't come close, not even remotely so, to being anywhere near as enjoyable as the films that came before. The movie's major flaw is its overwhelming cast of characters, many of whom add nothing to further the plot, and serve only to ensure a high body-count and constant, gruesome deaths. Taking the concept of throwaway characters to ludicrous extremes, the ensemble includes a coke-snorting hospital attendant and his random waitress girlfriend, an apparent red-herring who's killed off almost immediately, and two leather-clad greasers who appear to have stepped out of a completely different movie.

It's a stark contrast to the previous film in that there doesn't seem to be any likable characters present, especially the now older Tommy Jarvis (John Shepherd). There are moments when Tommy is almost sympathetic; his earlier confrontation with Jason has obviously left him emotionally and mentally battered. After spending years in an institution, he's finally released into the care of Pam Roberts (Melanie Kinnaman) and Matt (Richard Young), directors at Pinehurst, a halfway house designed to reintegrate him back into normal society. Tommy seems too far gone, though, and quickly goes from troubled kid to full-blown wreck; constantly hallucinating of Jason, and even attacking one of his housemates.

The only interesting character addition to the franchise is Reggie (Shavar Ross), a charismatic youth whose grandfather works at Pinehurst as a cook. Unfortunately, he's saddled with playing sidekick to Pam and Tommy, and, aside from a fantastic scene where he hits Faux-Jason with a tractor, does little else.

Speaking of The Jason Who Wasn't Really Jason.

I know that many fans didn't care for the fact that another character dressed up as and pretended to be Jason, but I'm not one of them. I sorta' enjoy what it adds to the franchise's mythos; that Jason Voorhees has become a notorious "celebrity" within this universe. So much a legend that it's inspired a copycat killer in Roy Burns (Dick Wieand). Plus, I love the fact that Roy is motivated to take on the mantle of Jason and murder the residents of Pinehurst in order to avenge the death of his son, Joey (Dominick Brascia). It echoes back to the original film, to Pamela Voorhees' rampage at Camp Crystal Lake, the very same event that lead to Jason's transformation into a masked murderer.

The 13 Days of Friday the 13th: Day Four

Holy Jesus jumping Christmas shit!

I was already aware the reputation of Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984) as the fan-favorite sequel. I've read multiple reviews; all the other blogs and sites raving about this particular installment. Hell, I even caught the last ten minutes or so a couple years back and really dug it. I was not, however, expecting it to instantly become one of my all-time favorite slasher films.

And yet, here we are.

Released two years after Part III (1982), it was originally billed as being the last in the series. One final trip to Camp Crystal Lake for all the not-so-good boys and girls, sitting around campfires and sneaking off to skinny dip when the sun goes down. Just enough time left to play some pranks, smoke some pot, and really enjoy all the fresh air and the crickets chirping. Oh, and bid a fond farewell to Jason Voorhees and his unparallelled murder record.

The film begins where the previous one left off, with Jason seemingly killed by an axe to the head thanks to Chris Higgins (Dana Kimmell). His body is brought to a local morgue, where we meet Axel, who is possibly the wackiest and creepiest mortician ever committed to film. A brief, comedic scene between Axel and a nurse leads into Jason's "resurrection", and the pairs' quick and violent demise. It's obvious from the film's first kill that the quota of gore has increased exponentially, due mostly to the return of special-effects master, Tom Savini. This would be the second time he'd team-up with director, Joseph Vito, after the atmospheric slasher The Prowler (1981), which was released a few years prior.

Before Jason is able to make his way back to Crystal Lake, the audience is introduced to the latest group of kids doomed to run afoul of the masked murderer. It's easily the most likable cast of characters so far in the series, and includes Crispin Glover in one of his earliest roles as the "dead-fuck" Jimmy. There's also the unlucky-in-love, Teddy (Lawrence Monoson), a pair of twins named Tina and Terri, and the absolutely adorable Samantha (Judie Aronson). Of course, they're all just there to die horribly at the hands of Jason after a night of drinking, sex and watching stag films.

Also present for the carnage and bloodshed is the Jarvis' family. The daughter, Trish (Kimberly Beck), is technically the "final girl" for this installment, but it's her brother, Tommy (Corey Feldman), who steals the show. It's in Tommy Jarvis that the audience can most relate; he's the odd kid obsessed with monster movies, video games and voyeurism. While the teens and twenty-somethings are being slaughtered, Tommy is safe from Jason's wrath, and it isn't until the film's final moments that he must step up and finally put the serial killer to rest.

The Final Chapter is regarded by some as one of the darker entries in the franchise and based on the brutality on display, it isn't difficult to see why. It's easier to feel sympathetic and sad when a character is killed off, because they're portrayed with a little more depth than in the previous films. The cast has a real chemistry, a camaraderie that's uncommon in most early slashers and practically non-existant in modern ones. Whether it's Teddy and Jimbo playfully bickering or the blossoming relationship between Doug (Peter Barton) and Sara (Barbara Howard), you finally care for a bunch of characters that would otherwise be considered cannon-fodder.

My only real complaint is Trish Jarvis' potential love-interest, Rob Dier (Erich Anderson), who claims to be out in the wild hunting bear. The truth is so much better; he's actually searching for Jason Voorhees, looking to avenge the death of his sister, Sandra, who was murdered in Friday the 13th Part II (1981). The character himself is fine, though nothing special, but it's the wasted potential of a pretty fantastic concept that bothers me. Adding this small thread, tying it back into the continuity of the original sequel, is a great way to honor the films that came before. Unfortunately, there's no real payoff to this subplot when Rob is unceremoniously beaten to death by Jason in the film's final act.

Besides that minor gripe, I have no zero reservations in naming The Final Chapter my favorite in the series so far. Of course, having already seen tomorrow's entry and several of the later sequels, well, I don't think I'm gonna find one that's gonna top this.

I think I'm in heaven.

I think I'm in love.

The 13 Days of Friday the 13th: Day Three

Another year and another entry in the Friday the 13th series.

Jason Voorhees returns for the third installment in the franchise, bringing director Steve Miner back with him, on another rage-fueled murder spree. Picking up only a day after the events from the second film, Friday the 13th Part III (1982) would prove to be one of the most successful sequels, larger in scope and in execution than its predecessors. While moving the carnage away from Camp Crystal Lake, it otherwise maintained the familiar plot and structure; introducing a new batch of fun-loving twenty-somethings, content to spend a weekend away, smoking copious amounts of dope and enjoying casual, premarital sex.

There's also a random trio of bikers with names like Fox and Loco, and a shopkeeper who talks to rabbits and eats fish food.

Spoilers: They all die.

Miner and company appear to be having a lot more fun this time around. There's an incredible, disco-inspired theme for the opening and closing credits. The group of fodder youths includes a pair of stoners obviously inspired by Cheech & Chong. We have Abel stepping in as the resident eye-wielding doomsayer, replacing the dearly departed Crazy Ralph. There are gratuitous scenes of fruit juggling and yo-yos, because, yes, Part III was shot in and intended to be viewed in 3-D.

It's sorta' a mess, absolutely, but it's an enjoyable mess.

Oh, and about midway through, nearly two and a half films in, we finally get the iconic version of Jason, once he's introduced to his hockey mask thanks to perennial loser and overweight prankster, Shelly (Larry Zerner). I doubt Miner or anyone else involved realized that the simple prop mask would eventually become an instantly recognizable pop culture image in the years that followed. As closely associated with the franchise, with the entire horror genre, as anything else in the series' decades-long history.

Three down, with nine left to go, I'm still feeling good about this undertaking. I was initially concerned that, without nostalgia playing a real role, I wouldn't find much appeal to the earlier entries in the series, but that's hardly the case. I've actually enjoyed each film a little more than the one before, and heading into Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984), I know my luck will hold out for just a bit longer.

Tomorrow introduces Tommy Jarvis after all.