Total Trash Tuesday: The Grim Adventures of Avengers Grimm

Join Earth's Mightiest Heroes as they battle an ancient evil hellbent on plunging the world into darkness.

Actually, no, sorry, wrong film. This is actually the one where Little Red Riding Hood becomes Casper Van Dien's mindless pawn in his war against Snow White and Rapunzel.

Yeah, by now, we should all be familiar with The Asylum and their unique brand of low-budget film-making. Best known for throwback monster-disaster hybrids like Sharknado (2013) and Mega Piranha (2010), their other claim to fame is an ongoing series of "mockbusters"; films that attempt to cash-in on the popularity of bigger budget, Hollywood-produced movies. Stuff like Snakes on a Train (2006), Transmorphers: Fall of Man (2009), and Atlantic Rim (2013).

Avengers Grimm (2015) falls into the latter category, obviously.

Released two weeks before Marvel Studio's Avengers: Age of Ultron, the film features a team of heroines, not ripped from the pages of comic books, but instead Grimm's Fairy Tales. A quartet of princesses, led by Snow White (Lauren Parkinson), are confronted by the evil of Rumpelstiltskin (Casper Van Dien), and they must save two worlds from his devious plot. Also along for the adventure is the non-princess Little Red Riding Hood (Elizabeth Peterson), whose only agenda is getting revenge on the creature responsible for killing her entire village, The Wolf (played by former MMA fighter, Kimo Leopoldo).

The bulk of the plot revolves around The Magic Mirror, which is able to open portals to the real world, a world without magic, a world that Rumpelstiltskin wants to claim as his own. Due to Snow White's interference, both herself and Rumpel end up stranded on Earth, and the remaining princesses must travel across dimensions to find their friend and put an end to their wicked enemy once and for all. Red's there, too, much to the others' chagrin, constantly on the hunt for The Wolf and somehow getting mixed up with a random gang led by "Iron John" (Lou Ferrigno).

It wasn't bad enough that The Asylum was ripping off The Avengers' name, they also had to include the original live-action Hulk in the proceedings to take it one step further. Still, it's probably a good thing that Lou was all too familiar with ridiculous body-paint throughout his career, because about half-way through the film, well, Rumpel's magic literally transforms him into an "Iron Man". Complete with shoddy make-up that makes him look sorta' like Schwarzenegger's Mr. Freeze from Batman & Robin (1997).

 Oh, and the magically-adept princesses all have their own special abilities. Snow White can control cold and form ice-daggers, naturally, because her name is Snow. Cinderella (Milynn Sarley) is able to transform items into other items [no idea why], and Sleeping Beauty (Marah Fairclough) casts spells that instantly put people to sleep [duh].

Also, Rapunzel (Rileah Vanderbilt) has long hair that's, like, a weapon, I guess?

I don't know, but she uses it to fight Iron-Hulk a few times. It's, uh, it's all pretty stupid.

Look, no one is going to argue that there's anything artistically redeeming in any of Asylum's output, least of all this particular entry. I doubt that anyone willing to subject themselves to Avengers Grimm (2015) is looking to discover some new cinematic masterpiece, but instead the opportunity to shutdown their brains and enjoy watching some harmless fantasy fluff. If that's what you're looking for, sure, there's probably better places to start, but the film is entertaining enough and mostly harmless. And with a brisk run-time of only 87-minutes, it's worth checking out at least once.

The short and sweet is that it's competently made and far from the studio's worst offense, which is about the best you can ask for with this sort of thing.

Total Trash Tuesday: Leprechaun: Origins (2014) and Candy Corn Pebbles

There are few things that go as well together as junk food and bad movies. Apologies to PB&J, and so sorry to put you down, Hall & Oates, but it's true. The one-two combo of unhealthy snacks and trashy cinema is a devastatingly sublime thing; and it's a staple of my, uh, lifestyle. Still, no matter how much I enjoy it, or maybe because of, well, you might mistake me for a masochist, what with the absolute shit that I subject myself to.

Today, our inaugural Total Trash Tuesday, perfectly illustrates the type of garbage that I regularly feed my body, my mind, and my soul. 

THE FILM: 

Leprechaun: Origins (2014) is billed as being the seventh film in the series; something of a reboot to the classic franchise featuring Warwick Davis as a murderous, wise-cracking leprechaun. Produced by WWE Studios, and yes, that would the pro-wrestling company that brought the world Hulk Hogan and a villainous dentist known as Isaac Yankem, it "stars" one of the company's former superstars, Dylan "Hornswoggle" Postl, as the titular mythological creature.

Titles aside, there is nothing here that resembles the franchise of old; gone is any dark humor, the charm and, yeah, the silliness that permeates the decade-long series. Viewers are left with a quartet of college-aged Americans backpacking across Ireland, a bland collection of twenty-somethings on a crash-course with an ancient evil that sorta' looks like a reject from The Hobbit.

Look, I may joke about the villainous creature's appearance, but there's some real serious flaws that need to be addressed. The main problem that the film faces is how damn mediocre it is. I get that film-snobs may decry the original Leprechaun (1993) and the five sequels it spawned, but they're frequently fun and always bordering on completely bizarre. Here, another decade later, and the team behind Origins seem to take several steps back, delivering a sub-par slasher that features every hackneyed trope you'd expect in a horror film.

The film's Final Girl fumbles with keys. She trips or falls nearly a half dozen times. Her more promiscuous best-friend even utters the phrase "cabin in the woods" without the slightest bit of irony.

Its complete lack of originality or unique identity are doubly unfortunate, because otherwise, it's a competently made feature. Despite a few missteps, and an obnoxiously overused Leprechaun-vision, director Zach Lipovsky knows what he's doing. And the four young actors are all, I don't know, serviceable. Both facts only further frustrate me as a viewer; realizing that with a bit of creativity, a fresh idea, the people responsible for Origins could have made a really solid flick.

Better luck next time, I guess.

THE FOOD:

Infinitely more surprising, while I wandered the aisles at my local Target, was discovering that Post had released a limited-edition cereal for the Halloween season. All the attention being heaped upon General Mill's trio of terrifying monsters, it appears that Fred and Barney's popular offspring, Pebbles and Bam-Bam, were being overlooked. Gone the Fruity and Cocoa varieties of Pebbles cereal, replaced by a candy corn flavor.

The idea of a candy corn cereal sounds awfully unappealing; pretty damn gross, actually, even with Halloween staring us in the face. Thankfully, it's the last thing you'll think of when you finally muster up the courage to pour yourself a bowl. The cereal's scent, subtly sweet, is the first thing that will hit you. It's pleasant, a faint marshmallow-y, and will not remind you of falling leaves or pumpkins at all. The same goes for the taste; it's a vague, almost bland sweetness that barely resembles candy corn. Fantastic box graphics aside, this could easily stand-in for a Christmas or Fourth of July-themed Pebbles cereal.

Like the film I watched while I half-heartedly finished my bowl, I'd mark these down as nothing special.