The Wonderful Week of Toys: Day One

Is there anybody out there..?

I sure hope so. Not that I'd blame anyone for jumping ship, though, what with the infrequency of posts and the increasingly long periods in-between. Few and far between, man. Close only counts in horse-shoes and hand grenades. Or something like that.

In an attempt to jump-start this dead or dying blog, I'm gonna try my hand at a theme-week; seven straight days of posts that may possibly be mildly amusing and/or the slightest bit interesting. We dream big here at The Trash Pile, kids. Don't you dare ever say otherwise.

You see, and some of you might remember this, we're heading into my absolute favorite time of year. There's already been glimpses of spooky cereals and fun-size Milky Ways, but we're still a little time away from hanging the fake cobwebs and carving pumpkins. The plan is to build up a reserve of scary, thrilling things to post about in October, while still taking time to pay tribute to the non-Halloween trash that happens to come along, too. That's gonna mean more posts, more of my inane ramblings, more more more.

The only problem, the one thing that threatens to derail those plans, is that I obviously lack the ability to stay consistent. To post frequently, to, well, to keep the train rolling, since apparently we're stuck on a locomotive metaphor. I am the worst kind of conductor, it seems, and you're unfortunately along for the ride. As long as you choo-choo-choose to stick around, that is.

So, yes, let's ignore that last bit of bullshit and get going with the first entry in The Wonderful Week of Toys.

Originally released in 1985, smack in the middle of The Masters of the Universe toy-line, is Thunder Punch He-Man. One of the many variations of He-Man created for the line's seven-year run, this particular version featured a backpack that could be loaded with caps, allowing a "thunderous" blast with each punch thrown. Not pictured are his two weapons, his trusty Power Sword and a new-design shield, which were molded in a mustard-gold plastic.

I never owned the Thunder Punch-version as a kid, but I was totally content with the bare-bones original release. This guy pictured above was found in a grab-bag at my local thrift shop a couple weeks back, packed along with another of this week's upcoming highlights. He-Man's pretty battle-worn; you can clearly see where the paint has faded away on his face and hair. He's also lacking his thunder-punching abilities, the backpack gone to Sorceress knows where.

Still, there's something about him that I really enjoy. He's only one of three Masters of the Universe figures I own these days, something I'm hoping to change in my collecting future. It's safe to say, though, that he'll probably end up my default He-Man from here on out.

Mr. Clawful Goes to Best Buy

You may remember my affinity for the worst of the worst, bottom-of-the-barrel baddies. Well, sometimes it gets me into trouble.

Over the last several months, because of my admiration for scum and villainy, I've found a handful of henchmen, goons and ne'er-do-wells settling in for extended visits. Usually that just means fighting over the last pack of Cinnamon Brown Sugar Pop Tarts with Serpentor, but every now and then someone steps over the line. I'll catch some rogue snooping through my things, trying to take something that's mine.

Most recently, in fact, I caught a certain criminal crustacean rifling in my wallet. And look at what he managed to slip away with before I could stop him.

I'd managed to hold onto that Best Buy gift-card since Christmas, waiting to find just the right thing to purchase from their fine website. Clawful couldn't have cared less that I had been eying that Criteron release of Repo Man (1984) for months now. No, he just rushed right off to the nearest brick-and-mortar store and spent all twenty-five dollars on the type of trash that even I would have avoided.

Worst of all, he's forcing me to share all his ridiculous purchases with each and every one of you.

I am so very sorry.

Yes, I know exactly what you're thinking. I felt the exact same way, and I had the exact same thought; why would Clawful purchase candy from the last-remaining electronics retailer in the known multiverse?

Because Skeletor was right all these years. This lobster is the most bumbling of buffoons!

Credit where it's due, though. If he was gonna waste a couple bucks on Pez, he certainly picked the best one they had. Ignoring those little yellow bastards from the Despicable Me films and a horrid-looking Thor, Clawful wrapped his oversized pincher around Yoshi and refused to let go.

I had to question his logic in picking up a pack of Star Wars Galaxy Series 7 trading cards. At a whopping three-dollars for a measly seven cards, I just didn't understand the appeal. His only response was mostly incoherent babbling about how Darth Maul reminded him of his mother.

The crab's got issues.

Eventually, I was able to tear him away from the impulse items. It took a little nudging, but we finally headed over to Best Buy's mediocre selection of DVDs to pick out a few films to enjoy. It was more of a challenge finding movies that we both agreed on, however. He insisted on picking up a copy of Rodney Dangerfield's classic comedy, Back to School (1986), until I reminded him that we already have it on VHS.

Which lead to a lengthy debate on whether or not VHS is an obsolete media; the details of which I will thankfully spare you.

A compromise had to be made before he would settle on the first of our two titles.

I haven't seen Galaxy Quest (1999) since it was first released on video. Back during my days as a lowly clerk at my local mom n' pop rental store, Video Showplace. It's a film I've been wanting to revisit for quite some time now, especially since it seems to have developed a solid cult-following these last several years.

Clawful agreed to adding it to his basket, but only if he could have some friends over to watch it. I wasn't in a position to deny his request, especially when he mentioned my favorite Silverhawks' rogue, Buzz-Saw, would be attending.

I was less enthusiastic upon discovering that the X-Men's infamous foe, Apocalypse, would also be there. The guy's developed a total diva attitude since it was announced he was gonna be in the next installment of First Class.

For whatever reason, Clawful is a huge fan of James Bond, and we found ourselves once more at odds. I've never particularly cared for the exploits of 007, regardless of who is portraying him, and attempted to veto any selection featuring the famed secret-agent. And yet.

And yet somehow this monstrosity, a psychedelic "spoof" featuring Peter Sellers as Sir James Bond 007, managed to find its way home along with us. The only plus to this purchase was that it also caused dissension within the villainous ranks of Clawful's best buds.

Clawful's snack selection also managed to brew up some turmoil.

Apocalypse spotted those Flipz covered in Mutant Milk Chocolate and immediately claimed them as his own. Spouting off some nonsense about "survival of the fittest", he proclaimed that no filthy flatscans would touch his most prized of pretzels without incurring the wrath of En Sabah Nur.

Whoever the fuck that is.

Thankfully there was something for us mere mortals, though you might mistake it at first glimpse for something akin to ambrosia. I know nothing about Bigs brand sunflower-seeds, but I sure as fuck know a thing or two about Vlasic pickles. Combining my eighth or ninth favorite snack with Dill Pickles is a thing of absolute bliss and majesty.

Clawful did okay with this one.

And then, of course, his true colors shine through. Reminding us all that he is the most selfish shellfish this side of Eternia, the bastard refused to share any of his Layer Dip Tortilla Combos. Friend or foe, it didn't appear to matter as this third-rate goon managed to down the entire bag before anyone could protest.

I'm not entirely sure how he maintains the physique of Hercules or He-Man with his eating habits. I smell something most foul, and it isn't his buddy Stinkor hanging out in Snake Mountain. My best guess is some of Evil-Lyn's black magic is keeping him in tip-top shape. That stuff's worse than steroids, man.

Wait, is that Grand Moff Tarkin..?

I take back every awful thing I've ever said about that lobster-man. He is obviously doing everything right, and they should change his name to Clawesome.

Here's to you, Clawesome!

Bring On the Bad Guys

A post-holiday visit to my favorite thrift shop found me splurging on grab-bags full of toys, ancient boardgames, a couple books and some VHS. I'm not here to show off all the goods I scored, but to focus on a few of the action figures I picked up for mere dollars apiece. That's right, kiddies. We've got ourselves a good 'ole fashioned theme this time around.

We all love a hero. Capes and cowls and vigilantes hiding their identities behind masks to protect the ones they love. They wait patiently for the Bat-signal to light up those darkest nights, to announce to the scum and the wicked that the streets are theirs to keep safe. That crime will not go unpunished. Fists of righteous justice and striking fear into the hearts of the cowardly and the cruel.

For mom and apple pie and for The American Way..!

Sure, we all love a hero, but sometimes it's the Man in Black that we secretly want to cheer on. For every Batman and Spider-Man and Flash Gordon, there's an arch-enemy. Whether it's the Joker or Venom or Ming the Merciless, it doesn't matter. For each of these crime-fighting, world-saving heroes, there's a bad guy that catches our attention just as much as, if not more than, their heroic counterpart.

I've always been a bigger fan of the bad guys. Rogues and crooks and back-stabbing flunkies. I'll take Starscream to Bumblebee; Destro over Gung-Ho every time. Someone give me a comic series that focuses on The Injustice Gang or the Legion of Doom and I'll cut Justice League from my pull-list right this second. The same goes for any of the Flash's Rogues Gallery or Shredder and the Foot Clan. I really hope someday that The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man gets the chance to finally squash Ray Stantz.

Yeah, I love me some villains.

Like this guy here.

From the absolute tail-end of The Masters of the Universe toy-line comes Mosquitor. The "evil energy-draining insectoid" is a member of The Evil Horde and was released just prior to the cancellation of everything He-Man back in '87. I never owned him as a kid, probably because my parents were against the idea of their son owning an action figure whose main feature was a chest full of "real" churning blood.

They were okay with Stinkor, though, who was a villainous skunk and a toy that literally smelled bad.

Mosquitor wasn't alone in his grab-bag, nor was he the only bug-inspired baddie to dwell within. Joining him in his plastic prison, a sorta' Phantom Zone for decades-old toys, was Commander Waspax. I recognized him as a character from the short-lived Sectaurs line, but didn't know much else besides that. I wasn't even entirely sure if he was from the heroic faction or one of the series' villains. A little research revealed his identity and his allegiance, and I was glad to see that he was the exact kind of untrustworthy, cheating scoundrel that I so admired.

This guy right here, I'm not at all ashamed to admit, was a truly fantastic find for me. I've mentioned before that I was something of a Gobots fan growing up. It's not uncommon for the hardcore Transformers fan-base to dismiss them as glorified knock-offs, but I loved them just as much as the real deal when I was younger. The original Gobots toys were pretty inexpensive, so I had amassed a pretty good size collection. I definitely owned more of them than I did their more expensive, Hasbro-released "cousins". And really, there was room enough in my heart for both, so I was glad to collect from either toy-line.

Until now, though, I never owned Cy-Kill, leader of The Renegades and top-tier villain for the Gobots animated series. This is actually the Super- version of the figure, which is perfect, because its the one I've always wanted. He's bigger and badder than the regular release, naturally, and there's a good mix of die-cast and plastic pieces. That means his toy is heavy enough to cause some serious damage when I go and throw him at my sister's head.

Precisely the kind of thing my favorite villains would want me to do.

Be Kind, Please Rewind: 'Tis the Season

The holiday is fast approaching, too fast approaching, and we haven't even begun to celebrate here at the 'ole Trash Pile. The tree is still packed away in the basement and I've barely started checking things off on friends' and loved ones' Christmas wishlists. No eggnog or Lego advent calender and certainly no visions of sugar-plums dancing in my head. The days are running out, passing by while all my favorite traditions fall by the wayside.

At some point over the last few years, one of the things I've adopted into my holiday season is watching a cherished Christmas special from my youth and documenting it by taking pictures with my cellphone. Nothing screams "Happy Holidays!" like low-res photos of two decades old animated features, right?

Well, you lucky ducklings, I've decided to share my inaugural attempt [from the 2011..!] with you.

No, your eyes do not deceive you. That really is a VHS-copy of He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special (1985). More specifically, it's a bootleg and it's one of my absolute favorite videos in my collection. It was originally acquired by a friend of mine at a collectors' show circa 1998, but with a little persuasion, it ended up in my possession a few years back. The fact that I owned a functioning VCR and he didn't probably worked in my favor. I may also have begged a little, drooling like one of Pavlov's puppies, at the sight of that gorgeous, yellow plastic-shell.

I have no shame.

Now, before we get to the main event, just a friendly reminder that these pics were taken with a cellphone camera from a bootleg VHS that's well over a decade old. You just sit back, relax and embrace the low-fi wonders you're about to see.